Mom's Last Gift of Love.............



Mom lived her life for love of friends and family,
Neither asking for nor wanting a return.
Her days became a sunlit homily,
With others' joy her joy and main concern.
When we were ill, she also became sick;
When we were cut, she, too, began to bleed.
Of our oil lamp she was the wick,
Drawing her bright flame from our need.
Some say that such behavior's out of date:
That self-fulfillment is the way to grace.
But Mom, without much choice, then chose her fate,
Finding greater truth in an embrace.
She lives on in the sparkle in our eyes:
Laughing, quiet, gentle, loving, wise.

Mom, Dad and I had always been close and when my daughter Rebecca was born, she became the apple of my parent’s eyes.  Becky was five years old when Dad died in 1978.  He passed away at home so I sent Becky to a relative’s house before the ambulance arrived to remove Dad from our home.  When Becky came home she wanted to know where her pa went.  I explained to her that the angels came and took him to heaven.  She accepted that without question because he had been sick for several years.   Even at her very young age, she understood that he was at last free of pain.

After Dad passed on, Mom was very dependant on others because she could not drive a vehicle, write a check, make a long distance phone call or conduct most business transactions.  All she knew how to do was work.  Mom never dated or remarried so her family was her life.

Mom loved to eat.

There were times when she would drive me crazy with her behavior but there was always a deep love and respect.  By the way, I now look just like my Mom and find myself on a daily basis doing the very things she used to do that made me nuts.  Becky sometimes says “Mom, your doing that Granny thing” and I pause and realize that she is right. Sometimes understanding comes when one grows older.

Mom’s downward spiral began when she broke her hip.  As she was laying there in the floor with a broken hip, she refused to let anyone call an ambulance.  She fiercely declared that she was O.K. and just needed help to get up.  I did mention that she was very stubborn didn’t I?”  This was only the first of many, many trips to the hospital. 

As the years wore on, Mom’s health slowly declined. Her worst fear was finally realized when she could no longer live on her own; and with no other options available due to circumstances we all wished we could change, Mom moved into a Nursing Home.   Dementia gradually set in with numerous close to death experiences with far too many falls and stitches to count. 

Days gone by.  Me, Becky, Mom and Dillon (dog).

It was the most painful thing in my life to see my Mother lose her sparkle and last, but not least, her sense of humor.  Slowly she became locked in a world where I could not go.  She was alive, sort of, but I still could not release her to death.  Sometimes there was a light in her eyes that would say “I am still here, talk to me” or that slight smile at something I said about Becky. It was as though her body had betrayed her and left her helpless with a mind that was still active and a soul waiting to go to its true home. 

One Saturday night in August 2009 I had a very vivid dream which I clearly remembered the next morning. 

In the dream the entire family was on safari in a barren land. Mom was riding in the lead jeep with Becky and I in the jeep behind; the rest of the family in the remaining jeeps following. Suddenly the lead vehicle stopped and Mom got out and walked toward us. I got out of my jeep and met her. She looked at me and said “Linda, I have to go.” I was very confused and I said “Mom, I don’t want you to go.” She replied “I have to go now. I can’t stay.” With that she returned to her jeep and they left the caravan and drove off into the sunset.

Becky and her Granny.

Three days later on a Tuesday night the Nursing Home called and said Mom was having a bad spell.  As my brother, sister and I exchanged phone calls deciding who would go to the Nursing Home this time, we received another call saying the danger had passed and she had improved drastically once again and was going to be alright.  Twenty minutes later the Nursing Home called to inform me that my mother had passed away.  Even though I had expected this moment for several years, the actual passing of my mother stunned me. We immediately traveled the short distance to the Nursing Home to say goodbye even though we knew she was already gone. 

I spoke with the pastor who was with Mom when she died.  He shared his experience with the family to give us comfort.  We all knew Mom had been unable to turn her head or focus her eyes for many months.  However, just before she died, she turned her head and focused her eyes intently on a place above his head as though toward heaven.  I feel the angels had once again visited our family to take a loved one home.

I existed in a state of shock for a number of days.  Then one day I remembered the dream and Mother’s visit to say goodbye. Her last Gift of Love.  Both the vivid dreams and the remembering had become very unusual as over the years my life became more and more hectic and my deja vu moments became few and far between.

Mom and I. 

So when is a dream more than a dream?  One never knows. I feel that it is best to always be open to the possibility that there is more to a simple dream than just a dream. 

Mom is still with me every day.  In the way I turn my head, the structure of my facial features, the color of my hair, my sense of humor and many more little things that mark my life with her continued presence.  Mom will always be in my heart and someday  I will meet her again at Heaven's Gate.  Love you Mom.